Oh god.
I am a complete and utter fail at relationships literally, When I become remotely close to a guy. I go into insecure mode and attempt to push them away. I don't know why I do it, It's just something I've always done and It's never been a big issue until my past few relationships. I wouldn't say I'm obsessive, or Jealous. I just wan't something perfect, I know no relationship will ever be perfect and I know you'll fight and you'll argue and you'll hate each other for a while and then you'll sort it all out and be back to how you were before but I just want to be happy. I really like this guy, I wouldn't say I love him or I'm inlove with him because it's ridiculously too soon to tell but I feel like we have some sort of connection, atleast I'd like to think we do. Some thing just feels completely right about it all and there's something about him that really catches my attention. I'm not sure what it is yet, but I want to find it out eventually. If he'll let me that is. I'm usually the kind of person that goes on the verge for finding some sort of happiness, stability and feeling of security or protection. I suppose if you really got to know me and figured out how my mind worked you would realise that I probably do have high expectations, I know it's not fair to blame someone else for that but I honestly do blame it on movies and love stories. There always made out to be so perfect and they always have happy endings, but the truth is no story has a happy ending. It all ends horribly at some point, atleast I think that's how it works anyway. I just really don't want to mess this up, Personally I don't see anything happening, I'd like to think something would happen but the fact I have little confidence and self - esteem it's not really helping me. I suppose I have to be positive if I want to get out of this mess alive, right? I'm just honestly praying I don't mess this up like every other time. Wish me luck! x
hai :3 x
i don't know who's going to read this, and who's not but i need somewhere to vent my feelings and this seems like the perfect place right now, i'm not going to tell you who I am or about myself unless you ask. I think it's better to do this anonymously so I can't be judged and no - one knows who made this.
I'm more negative than I should be, I wish I could change this but I just simple can't.
I get to the point where I feel like everything is falling apart, and I'm at that stage in my life again. No - one seem's to understand and I know they won't unless there me. I just feel as if I can't be happy, I don't know what I've done wrong or what I've messed up but I feel like I'm being punished and I deserve to suffer, maybe I do maybe I don't. I honestly don't know anymore, I'm just simply at the stage where I couldn't care less what happens to me. I know I should and I know it's selfish to feel that way but it's how I feel, It's how I've felt for a while I'm just extremely good at blocking things out and keeping secrets from people. I've done that all my life and I'll do it for as long as I have too.
Family? I don't even think you can call my so called '' family '' a family at all. I'm more than sure they would all be happier without me in all honesty. This is meant to be a chapter in my life, as you become older new doors are meant to be opened on you but I feel like there being closed on me instead. My family is complicated, no - one understands me and as much as they want too we all know they never will. I love them with everything I have, but sometimes I just feel so worthless and they honestly don't make it any better. When I get enough money I plan to just move away, some where far away. Where I am now it's full of too many memories and not one of them is good. I just need some kind of relief, escape. I need some sort of security, protection and stability. I just don't know where I'm meant to look to find that. This may not be what I want, but it's what I need and I need to do the best thing for me. Or so everyone tells me.
Friends? Friends are a completely different story. I'm not gunna say I have a list of people wanting to be in my life and I won't lie I've made mistakes and lost and gained people. I guess having this happen to me has made me stronger but recently I'm beginning to question who I can actually trust, who are my true friends and how much I can rely on them. Then again maybe it's true, maybe you can't trust anyone because sooner or later you lose the things you love and the people you once thought were meant to be in your life permanently. At the end of the day you get stabbed in the back and hurt, friendship seems rather pointless to me nowadays. I might aswell be alone in the middle of no - where, I feel like that's what they would want anyway.
I know this blog is negative and depressing, I try to be positive. It just never works, I wish it would but it never does. I try so hard to make something of myself, to make the ones I love proud but it's never enough. I wonder if I will ever be enough?
x
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i don't know who's going to read this, and who's not but i need somewhere to vent my feelings and this seems like the perfect place right now, i'm not going to tell you who I am or about myself unless you ask. I think it's better to do this anonymously so I can't be judged and no - one knows who made this.
I'm more negative than I should be, I wish I could change this but I just simple can't.
I get to the point where I feel like everything is falling apart, and I'm at that stage in my life again. No - one seem's to understand and I know they won't unless there me. I just feel as if I can't be happy, I don't know what I've done wrong or what I've messed up but I feel like I'm being punished and I deserve to suffer, maybe I do maybe I don't. I honestly don't know anymore, I'm just simply at the stage where I couldn't care less what happens to me. I know I should and I know it's selfish to feel that way but it's how I feel, It's how I've felt for a while I'm just extremely good at blocking things out and keeping secrets from people. I've done that all my life and I'll do it for as long as I have too.
Family? I don't even think you can call my so called '' family '' a family at all. I'm more than sure they would all be happier without me in all honesty. This is meant to be a chapter in my life, as you become older new doors are meant to be opened on you but I feel like there being closed on me instead. My family is complicated, no - one understands me and as much as they want too we all know they never will. I love them with everything I have, but sometimes I just feel so worthless and they honestly don't make it any better. When I get enough money I plan to just move away, some where far away. Where I am now it's full of too many memories and not one of them is good. I just need some kind of relief, escape. I need some sort of security, protection and stability. I just don't know where I'm meant to look to find that. This may not be what I want, but it's what I need and I need to do the best thing for me. Or so everyone tells me.
Friends? Friends are a completely different story. I'm not gunna say I have a list of people wanting to be in my life and I won't lie I've made mistakes and lost and gained people. I guess having this happen to me has made me stronger but recently I'm beginning to question who I can actually trust, who are my true friends and how much I can rely on them. Then again maybe it's true, maybe you can't trust anyone because sooner or later you lose the things you love and the people you once thought were meant to be in your life permanently. At the end of the day you get stabbed in the back and hurt, friendship seems rather pointless to me nowadays. I might aswell be alone in the middle of no - where, I feel like that's what they would want anyway.
I know this blog is negative and depressing, I try to be positive. It just never works, I wish it would but it never does. I try so hard to make something of myself, to make the ones I love proud but it's never enough. I wonder if I will ever be enough?
x
